How to Keep Your Hole Clean While Camping
So, your friends invite you to go to a gay campground for the weekend and promise all the things – food, vodka, hot guys, the great outdoors – and did I mention hot guys?
After a day at camp you realize you ate one hot dog short of a bukkake and the sun is going down. Something you hadn’t considered flashes through your mind like a billboard on Times Square. How do you “stay clean” in the woods?
Tip 1 – Bring Your Own Water
Out in the boonies you can’t be certain that the water in the pipes is safe to use for douching, especially if the campground uses a well. There are microbes such as cryptosporidium that can live in the water and make you sick if they enter your rectum.
It is better to be on the safe side and bring your own water for cleaning out purposes. Don’t use campground water unless you are sure that it is from a municipal water source.
Tip 2 – Some Gay Campgrounds Have Douching Stations
Gay Campgrounds are here for us, and we are so down for it. Some Gay Campgrounds such as Jones Pond Campground have showers with diverters and hoses that are designed to help get the job done.
Tip 3 – Consume a Lot of Fiber
Ah yes, nature’s internal cleanser. Fiber can keep you regular and help to push waste out of your body. Whether you have it in powder form such as Metamucil, or in a more natural form like prunes, fiber is sure to help it all slide out so that something else can slide in.
Tip 4 – B-Y-O-Bathroom
If cleaning out is something that you are really concerned about, you might consider camping options that allow you to have more privacy. Some cabins have private bathrooms, and most trailers or RVs do as well.
Tip 5 – The Booty Bear and Other Helpful Condiments
You know those cute little bear-shaped honey bottles with the little spout on top? They can be used as an inconspicuous cleaner-outer. Just don’t let anyone offer to refill it.
Another great bottle to use are mustard and ketchup squeeze bottles. No I don’t mean French’s or Heinz. The restaurant style squeeze bottles with the pointy tips combine enough squeezability with insertability to make you squeaky clean.
Tip 6 – Get Creative
Feeling like a MacGyver bottom? You can create a douching mechanism using a garden sprayer with a makeshift nozzle. No one will know you used it on your rose instead of your petunias.
Tip 7 – Do it in Public
Most campgrounds have bathroom stalls that are private enough for a pro. Bring filtered water, a disposable fleet bottle, and flushable wipes in an inconspicuous bag and shut the door. You may feel self-conscious but honestly no one knows what’s up.
Tip 8 – Do it in the Bushes
Do you think cavemen douched in nice bathrooms? 9 out of 10 anthropologists agree that our ancestors probably did it in the bushes – and you can too. Take your supplies with you to a dark area of the woods and aim true. No one will see you.
Tip 9 – Use a Large Medical Syringe
Built for squirting, these large medical syringes are great for cleaning out your cavity. Fill it up with clean water and, well – you know the rest.
Tip 10 – Don’t Eat
Modern science tells us that the less you eat the less you poop. If you want to be certain you are clean, and the other options just don’t work for you – pull a RuPaul and have two Tic-Tac’s for dinner and wash it down with a vodka soda. You might not have energy to dance all night but hey – you can make the other guy do the work 😉.
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